before i dive into my carefully prepared monologue, because today i speak for my entire race, i would like to get a few things straight
Vampires DO NOT:
1/ turn into bats - that's just an old wife's tale to scare kids of perfectly harmless and cute creatures like bats. so they spread rabies, so what - right?
2/ fly - well, some do. but, flying is a skill that come with age. I'm 108 and i still can't fly, i can sort of hop or jump long distances and i run really really fast .. but that's pretty much it.
3/ drink just blood - we drink blood, yes .. and though our diet is mostly liquid, we do consume other things.
4/ disintegrate (thank you TruBlood?!?!) or catch on fire in the sunlight.
5/ sleep in coffins (where in the world did that even come from?) - just because we're dead doesn't mean we sleep in coffins, i can't even imagine the mothballs and the dust, yuck - as a human i was allergic to dust.
6/ sleep in freezers (really, Moonlight?!?!?!)
7/ kill humans - we were homo sapiens once too and though the human race can be boring at times, we don't kill them unless provoked, or extremely hungry - which ever comes first.
8/ eat uncooked animals a la Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire - because that's just .. gross!
9/ bleed tears - (again, really TruBlood?!?!). But, the bloody tear thing might be true, i wouldn't know because i haven't cried since i was turned .. it's just not natural to us.
10/ abhor garlic and onions - we kinda like them actually
11/ live forever - that would be cool though. But we do live a long time, not forever. if i hadn't as long as i have, i would have missed up on all of man's greatest inventions. the list could go on and on, on all the things that i love - which i would never have got to see if i hadn't lived this long.
- rockets
- the internet
- frozen pizza
- ipods, or the mp3 format
- GPS
- watches - but time doesn't mean much to us
- the yo-yo, that was a good one
- warfarin - a common blood thinner
- instant coffee - which sucks (no pun intended). ofcourse, i prefer ground coffee made in my French Press
- the French Press ... come to think of it.
- Computers
- the slinky
- BlackBerrys - the phone, not the berry.
- the microwave
- bluetooth
- Louis Vuitton's Stephen Sprouse collection
- TV shows.. beautiful
- also HD TV!
- mass printed paper/hard back books
- credit cards - a man made plastic card to dig yourself a deep grave of debt.
- barbie .. i couldn't have missed that for the world.
- post it notes
- liposuction
- Viagra (homo sapiens need to keep up)
- Adidas shoes
- Jimmy Choos shoes
- Cosmopolitan magazine
- menthol cigarettes
- Lady GAGA
- Usher - that boy is dreamy and delicious ;)
So, these are the things we do not do.
Remember, i speak for my race but i do not make generalizations. some of us are vicious, but so are some humans. how else would you explain terrorists or news reporters or paparazzi?
I leave you, for now, with these words:
Everything fades,
Nothing remains,
Except ME.
Yours in Death,
Vampire Girl
